


find myself here (again and again)

by AerisaHale (KarasuKyra)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarasuKyra/pseuds/AerisaHale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam gets suspicious of Dean. He doesn't expect what he finds out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	find myself here (again and again)

**Author's Note:**

> Immediately, I want to put a trigger warning on this! There is self-harm here, please do not read if that is an issue in any way.
> 
> I also want to say I don't have a whole lot of experience with self-harm but I tried my best based on my own experiences.
> 
> This was a fill for an anon from Tumblr. Hope this is what you wanted!

The first time Sam suspects something is when he accidentally walked in on Dean in the bathroom. He'd thought Dean had left the Bunker, and as such, didn't think to knock before opening the door. What he walked into wasn't even suspicious, really. Dean was just leaning against the sink with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Dammit, Sammy, you need to knock! No fucking respect around here!” Dean was yelling as he pushed passed Sam. That was when Sam thought he saw something clenched in his older brother's hand, but he didn't think anything of it, not then.

The next time is when they have a lull in their hunting. Nothing of use has cropped up, so Sam spends his time on the internet, researching what their next move should be. It was late into the night and it was quiet throughout the bunker. Dean had gone to bed hours ago.

He was just about to click on the next link in his search when a metallic crash resounded through the bunker. In seconds Sam was on his feet gun drawn. He cleared the main room, before he moved to the next, and then the next. Finally he found the source of the noise, or what he expected was the source.

His older brother was slumped on the floor of the bathroom. Sam rushed to his side. “Dean, Dean, wake up, what happened? Come on, Dean!”

Sam hefted his brother's arm over his shoulder and got an arm around his waist. He hefted him up and that is when Dean woke. “Sammy?”

“Yeah, Dean, yeah, what happened?”

Dean seemed to look around himself before shaking his head. “Nothin', Sammy, must just be tired. I think I'll just head back to bed.”

Sam let Dean go, and made sure the man was steady on his own feet and watched him walk toward his room. Sam didn't move until Dean disappeared inside. That was when he glanced down at his hand and noticed the smear of blood. His brows furrowed, but he let Dean be.

It all came to a culmination when Sam had to drag himself home early after trying to do some grocery shopping. While he was on his way to the store he had come across several men trying to rape a woman in an alley. He held his own until two had gotten ahold of him and a third had buried a blade in his shoulder.

He'd wrenched the blade out and used it to incapacitate the rest of them. By the time all was said and done the woman had long since run away and Sam was left with a profusely bleeding shoulder, so after a little field medicine to staunch the bleeding, he made his way back to the bunker.

What he found there was not something he was expecting. As soon as Sam got back to the bunker, he went straight to the bathroom where they kept their medicine kit, hoping to sew himself up as soon as possible. When he entered the bathroom, though, he found Dean slumped over again, but this time there was a blade on the ground and blood pouring out of his wrists.

Immediately, Sam laid Dean out on the floor and dug the med-kit out of the cabinet, he pulled out dressings and bandages and wrapped them around Dean's wrist's. He kept pressure on both, but the dressings had bled through in just minutes. Sam had no choice. 

He sewed up his own shoulder as quickly as possible and changed his shirt. He carried Dean to the Impala and drove to the hospital.

–

That was where Dean woke up. The beeping of the machines starting to sound familiar. He saw Sammy looking at him from a chair next to his bed. He looked down at his own arms and that is when it all pieced together in his memory. He chose not to say anything.

“Dean, are we gonna talk about this?”

“There's nothing to talk about.”

“What I came home to would say otherwise.”

Dean scowled. “What do you want me to say, Sammy? You want me to tell you that I hate myself, that I'm constantly haunted by memories of hell and beyond? Ain't nothin' gonna change that, so why bother?”

He heard Sam sigh. “Well, something's gotta change here, Dean, because giving up your life is not the way to handle it.”

“Alright, Sam, let me just go get my popcorn and pajama pants and we can have a sleepover and talk all about it!”

“Dammit, Dean, I'm trying to help you, here!” Sam growled in frustration. “They said you can come home with me, but if you're not willing to work with me, I will have you admitted! I don't know what else to, but dammit, Dean, I can't lose you!”

Dean closed his eyes. Then there was no choice. “Alright, Sammy, okay. I don't—I'll have to—Look. I'll try my best, okay, Sammy. I wasn't—I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just...I needed an escape, and—I'll work on it. Just, don't put me in the fucking loony bin.”

Sam sighed again. “Okay, Dean, but I mean it; if you don't try and work with me...I just—I love you, Dean.”

And Dean closed his tired eyes again and felt a spark of—of something, maybe not hope, but something that settled him, let him know everything might work out okay.


End file.
